Resilience: How Do We Get It?

So what is resilience? We all want it, and we want to teach it to our children. But are there only a lucky few who inherit it?

Resilience is the ability to lead a healthy life, both physically and mentally, despite living through horrific circumstances, says Petros Levounis, M.D., M.A., chair of the Department of Psychiatry at Rutgers New Jersey Medical School. While there’s a genetic component, he said the thinking is changing around the idea that only some people are born with the ability to stay mentally strong in the face of war, natural disaster, rape, terrorism, chronic poverty and other traumas.

“Humans are far more resilient in general than we think, than we have assumed in the past,” Levounis said. “People who have been subjected to absolutely traumatic situations very frequently come out on other side and do quite well.”

There are some who may suffer more after a traumatic event -- people with depression or anxiety disorders are at a higher risk of developing posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). But PTSD is not the opposite of resilience, Levounis explained. “PTSD doesn’t mean you are weak. We now know that developing PTSD is associated with compassion and imagination and creativity.”

“Staying healthy both physically and mentally is paramount. Not only exercise and nutrition, which pretty much everybody knows, but also sleep hygiene. Sleep is the neglected stepchild of physical health. Keeping your mental health intact, your social life, your sexual life, your intellectual life, and for some your spiritual life—these build resilience,” Levounis said.

He added that parents who impart those healthy lifestyle habits to their kids will be helping their children be resilient, too.

By Mary Brophy Marcus, health writer, APA

Talking To Kids About Disappointment In Sports

By Claudia Reardon, M.D.

Participating in sports is generally thought of as a physically and emotionally healthy activity for children and teenagers. However, it is inevitable that children who play sports will at some point deal with disappointment. Not every play or game will go their way. While dealing with this disappointment can be difficult for children, it's also a great opportunity for growth. The excitement of the Super Bowl and other winter sporting events provide a chance to talk with your children about disappointment.

Here are some tips to keep in mind if you parent or coach a child or teenager who is dealing with disappointment in sports:

1. Acknowledge your child’s feelings about what happened. For example, you can say, “I understand that you are feeling really upset that you didn’t win the race.” Of course, this does not mean that you should agree with catastrophic statements that they might make, such as that they are the worst player that ever played or that their life is ruined because of a bad game.

2. It’s okay if kids don’t want to talk about a disappointing game or event immediately. You might simply acknowledge their feelings and tell them that you’re there for them to talk whenever they want to.

3. Help your children shift focus to what they did RIGHT on the playing field. This is especially important if your child is a perfectionist, in which case he or she is likely to focus on the one mistake rather than seeing the “big picture” of everything he or she has done right.

4. It’s certainly okay if your children’s disappointment leads them to want to improve their sports skills. Help them figure out exactly what skill they would like to improve, and then brainstorm ways to improve in that area. They might even ask for suggestions from the coach. Help your children set realistic goals and then give them praise as they work toward those goals.

5. Ask your children if they think their favorite athletes ever make mistakes in their sport. If these athletes said that they were terrible players and wanted to quit after one bad play or bad game, would your children agree with that? Of course not!

6. Disappointment is a great opportunity to reinforce resilience and determination. Remind your child that he or she is “the kind of person who doesn’t give up easily.”

7. If a child is disappointed in his or her sporting performance, that is not an excuse for poor sportsmanship. It is not okay for them to express their disappointment as anger toward the winner.

8. Remind your children that failing to make a good play or to win a game does not mean that they’re a failure overall. There still are lots of great things about them, and everyone fails sometimes. Remind them of all the things they have done well recently.
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